what it all boils down to

In some ways I am transitioning to homeschooling really well.

I don't start our day early...not until 10 in fact! That way I don't have to set an alarm and I have time to work out and make a yummy breakfast for my kids and I get to have my quiet time (which turns out to be a NON negotiable for me to make it through the rest of the day)

The mornings are actually and surprisingly relaxing and low key.
I have been working REALLY hard on being calm and patient and even when I am teaching them b. c I want them to love school...and not dread being yelled at by mom.

I said in some ways I am transitioning well b.c, although the morning and school time have gone relatively well....As the day progresses, I kind of lose it.

I am SOOOOO tired. And if I wasn't still editing weddings, I would allow myself to take a nap every day! (I HAVE let myself once or twice)

And I think I use up all my calm and patience and being even during school, b.c it seems to disappear as the evening approaches.

Maybe if Bill was home more I wouldn't feel this way?
I don't know.

Bill has worked crazy hours for the majority of our marriage.

When we were first married, I didn't think anything of it. It was what it was and that was just fine.
Then we started having kids and I started REALLY missing him (He was an over the road truck driver for the first several years we had kids). Like aching for him, missing him.
And he was missing us the same.
SO, we make a decision for him to no longer be over the road.

HOORAY! We would see him more and the missing eachother would be done.

But somehow, this has not been the case. He works MORE now and is gone MORE now than he was when he was over the road. And there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it.

And I will be honest with you. There was a time when, although I hated how much he was gone, I felt a smidgen of pride when people would say "I don't know how you do it". I felt a little GOOD about the fact that I somehow (ehem....by God's GRACE) could do life decently all alone.

not anymore.

Now I hate it.
I mean, I think I have cried every day for the past 2 months.
We have prayed and prayed and asked God to allow his long hours to be over. Wether its in this job or a new job...I DONT care! Just get him home more!

I don't know what Gods plan is for our lives. I can't figure out why in the world me being home alone, 5 days a week, with 5 little kids all missing him like crazy and Bill, being gone more hours than he is home, feeling like his kids grow in between every time he sees them, missing us so much it hurts.....I can't figure out why this would be His plan.

I do know that I am REALLY getting to understand the verse "in my weakness HIs strength is revealed"

I don't think my weaknesses have ever been so exposed.
I am exhausted
I am not content
I am sick and tired of doing life without my husband
I am edgy
I am crabby
I am deflated
I am just.plain.sad

but his STRENGTH allows me
energy
and patience until things change
and perserverance
and softness
and smiles
and HOPE
and although I am just.plain.sad.....I think I will make it.

And although I MAY be better at being a mom if Bill was home more
it all boils down to the fact that life will never be easy.
it was never promised to be easy.
But what I get to experience by watching God work in my imperfect soul makes me grateful for all the hard.