darkness. It is not something I have spent a lot of time dwelling on or dealing with
However, the past few months have been THE darkest months of my life thus far
although it has been an exhausting year for many many reasons, this darkness seemed to creep up on me AFTER most of these things have come and gone
Bill is still working a gazillion hours and I miss him always....but that isn't anything new
so why now?
I have no idea....but it hit and it hit hard
I have no idea if I can even put into words what I have experienced lately.
I know I don't really NEED to, but I want to
I have felt out of control in all areas of my life
eating (I have been consuming coke as if its my life line)
spending (hadn't balanced my check book in months....soooo not like me)
my attitude (it wasn't pretty)
the lies I was hearing and having a hard time not believing(and they were pouring down on me)
my kids (yelling and being irrational might just BEGIN to explain how I was responding to them)
my mind.........I felt as if I was losing my mind
When I say that, I am not saying it loosely like "I just had a bad day and could really use a cup of coffee by myself"
I mean...I REALLY wondered if I was losing my mind
and I could easily imagine myself curled up on a cot of a mental institution for a few days
just so I could calm the noise in my head
try to put myself back together
of course "I" can't put myself back together at all
I had heard sometime recently that I MUST keep my focus on God when going through something hard
and I believe that 100%
but the thing was, my focus WAS on God. I was having regular dialog with him day in and day out....me talking to Him and Him talking to me.
what was different for me this time was that I could sense God's presence...very much
I could even hear His voice....
BUT, He was HANDS OFF
It reminds me of when one of my kids is trying to do something that is hard for them...that I KNOW they wont be able to do on their own....but I choose to stand close, but hands off all at the same time so that they can recognize for themselves their need for my help
I believe that was what He was doing with me
I could not believe how much of wreck I was without Him
I was like an out of control tornado, my life was spinning 1000 miles an hour around me
and I COULD NOT DO IT
not alone
Now, I have known for a long long time that I can't do it alone (by "it" I mean everything...life)
But it wouldn't surprise me a BIT if I get distracted by myself at times and think "man, look how good I am doing this!"
I know for sure that what I have experienced this past few months will NOT SOON leave my memory
I attended the Hearts at Home conference last weekend and it was so good in more ways than I can recount. However, one of the things I know God was telling me was that I have been in a storm (obviously)
He was going to remove me from the storm for awhile.
I don't know necessarily that the storm will die
but...when inside the storm, all you can do is hold on for dear life. You don't have time to think things through and make decisions based on logic and sound mind. Your just trying to prevent being knocked over.
When you are on the outside of the storm, even if you can still SEE the storm and maybe even feel it a bit...you have time to think. Your feet are grounded. You can prepare and process rationally.
This is where I am right now....tired and worn out from the battle that has been going on from within...but at least my feet are grounded.
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As far as going private....
I try as hard as I can to not make any decision without really seeking out God's input. Through prayer, through the Bible and wise council.
For those of you who don't understand this or even think it is weak on my part, I want to explain why I do this.
I am on a road called life. A road that will go through many many many types of terrains. I have no clue as to how this road is going to be or where it's going to go...so to me, it makes complete sense that I would allow the one who created the road and my journey to GUIDE and STEER me.
We would never consider going on a cross-country road trip without our GPS or at the very least, a road map. It's not b.c we can't think for ourselves or make our own decisions...but b.c we know that it just makes sense!
That being said...when I decided to make my blog private...it was simply so I could grasp control of SOMETHING in my life at the moment. Being that I was in this whirlwind where I was out of control in so many ways...it felt good to grab a hold of something...no matter how small.
However, I could sense very strongly that this was NOT what God wanted me to do. Why?? I have no idea....but that doesn't really matter.
So....thank you so much to all of you who wrote me WONDERFUL emails about wanting to continue to follow my blog. So many of your words were medicine to my weary mind and spirit, so I really really thank you.
But, for now anyways, I wont be going private.
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