bill, miss and brood: S.O.S

Friday, December 11, 2009

S.O.S

What does that mean anyways? I have no idea...but I know it communicates that I need HELP!

I have a wonderful little (not so little...TALL actually) 5.5 year old boy who is giving me a RUN for my money these days.
Now, as much as I have learned to love running....THIS is no the type I am trained for

Let me tell you a bit about him so that maybe you can help me!

Tate is So sweet. So sensitive. Always is asking "Mommy, can I do something to help you?" always saying "I LOVE God. God is AMAZING..."

Tate is very aloof half the time. He is that child that you can't tell if he really is listening or not. Sometimes when he seems to hear nothing you say...he repeats it back in detail.
Other times, you may think he is listening, but it turns out he heard nothing at all

He is content to sit and do one activity for a significantly long period of time
But at the same time, he has TONS of energy and THRIVES at being outdoors

He does so good when he gets to ride his bike regularly...which is a great solution except now that there is snow on the ground, it makes it impossible

SO...there are a few issues I am struggling with right now:

1. He isn't listening. Its not in a defiant "I don't care what you say" kind of a way...more like an ignoring (read: maddening)

2. He is not handling his emotions well...but it comes out of nowhere, so I have no warning and just like that he is a wreck. This is something we dealt a LOT with when he was younger, but it has gotten much better over the years....but, it appears to be back. And, of course, it can't resurface the same way as before...meaning, we have to re-figure out how to handle this!

3. His energy. Need I say more? I don't know how to help him let it out when our options are so limited right now. And, this huge amount of energy (that does not always appear at the same time of day...so also catches me off guard) leads to his not listening

So, here I am ladies...sending out an S.O.S. PLEASE share with me all your experience and wisdom and insight! This struggle with him has turned into me yelling. A Lot. I refuse to stay in this place and am praying SO much about how I respond to him...

(btw. I KNOW that this too shall pass...I am not worried about that. I don't feel defeated, just frustrated. I am just trying to figure out how to most effectively walk through this with him!)

THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 comments:

Kami said...: I wish I could help you - but I seem to have that problem with all of my boys during the winter months as well. They can't be outside letting off their energy, so they're ANNOYINGLY rambunctious inside and they break stuff and they get mad and they cry and they yell and I pull my hair out! Guess what? Making them run for 10 minutes on our elliptical has helped! Didn't you say you have a treadmill? Let him walk off some energy on there - it could be fun!

Praying for you!; December 11, 2009 10:24 AM
Barbara said...: I wanted to be funny and say Oh just yell at him... but I don't mean that!

My heart breaks whenI hear that because he IS such a sweet boy!

This year has brought a HUGE change in his life- going to school full days every other. I think part of it may simply be adjusting to less "down time".

I like Kami's idea - it just might help. Otherwise keep the side walks clean and let him ride outside even if just for a few minutes each day when possible.

Sorry its the best I can do:); December 11, 2009 11:05 AM
Emily B said...: It seems like both the listening and the emotions might be rooted in the energy issue.
I can't imagine how difficult that must be in a winter-time MN!! I hope someone has a good idea for you.; December 11, 2009 11:21 AM
Kelsey said...: My mom works in an elementary school and she has shared with me these tips that help her students cope SOOOO much better with their energy and emotions. Maybe one or a few of them will help with Tate!

1. Put strips of sticky velcro under the kitchen table top, desk, etc., so he can run his hands over it absentmindedly while he eats, does homework etc. You'd be surprised at how giving this outlet for energy helps with the task at hand!

2. Same idea, different implementation--put bungy cords on a chair, stretched between the legs so he can bounce his legs against the cord while he sits. Again, energy outlet!

3. Come up with a secret signal from Tate that ONLY you and Bill understand. For example, if Tate is feeling frustrated (or whichever emotion you pick), tell him to cross his arms over his chest (or whichever gesture you pick). Then you know what he's feeling and he doesn't need to vocalize it. It makes him feel safe and cared for to know that his parents understand what he's feeling.

4. Is there a neighbor with a dog that needs walking every day? This would give him a special responsiblity and something to do outside every day, snow or shine!; December 11, 2009 11:58 AM
Jamie said...: This is my older daughter to a tee. Pent-up energy is the pits and I agree that this could be what is steming all the issues. We often have our daughter "run to the fence" We have about 3 1/2 acres and the fence runs across the back of the property. If we are in for the night or the weather isn's cooperating. We have her do excersises like jumping jacks or push-ups. Sounds like child abuse, but she really needs to get the energy out in appropriate ways. I like the idea of using the treadmill or get a little trampoline and have him jump for the length of a song on the radio.; December 11, 2009 12:27 PM
Jamie said...: By the way, I think SOS stands for "Save Our Souls" but I could be wrong.; December 11, 2009 12:35 PM
Sarita said...: I have no advice, but I was wondering, since Tate already does terrain riding, if there is anywhere he can ride in the snow with his gear on?

I may have to ponder the weather in our behavior struggles with my daughter. I tend to not realize how drastically our activity levels drop during these months. Thanks for the reminder Melissa!

Oh, and "SOS" was just an easy & unmistakable sequence in Morse code. Kinda like "911" means emergency to all of us now, but the numbers have no real significance.; December 11, 2009 12:53 PM
JM said...: Let him do the Shred with you. That has a lot of changes in activity that a kid might enjoy. It also serves as a bonding time for the two of you. It won't matter if he does the exercises correctly, but more that he is doing something. You guys can cheer each other on.

I don't know if it is a possibility money wise, but using a Wii and some physically active games may help. Dana and I have one you can borrow if you want to try it out. It would be fun and you can seriously burn some energy on that thing. I tried boxing a couple of times...I couldn't lift my arms for days. If you want to try it out let me know.

Jen; December 11, 2009 12:53 PM
Amanda said...: Just wanted to find out what S.O.S. stands for myself. Sorry I can't give any suggestion...my son is only 3 months old...but I look forward to seeing what ends up working for you.

SOS, code letters of the international distress signal. The signal is expressed in International Morse code as … - - - … (three dots, three dashes, three dots). This combination was established by the International Radiotelegraphic Convention at Berlin in 1906. The letters (SOS) do not refer to any words but were selected because they are easy to transmit. The use of Morse code for sending distress calls is now superseded by automated systems using satellite relay; the U.S. Coast Guard no longer monitors Morse code transmissions. The distress code by radiotelephony is MAY DAY, which corresponds to the French "m'aider." The signal NC, not followed by a message, also has the same meaning.; December 11, 2009 1:02 PM
Sarah said...: I don't have a boy, so I learned a lot by reading all these great tips that people are giving you! We try to get to the Y to swim more in the winter months--didn't you say that you had gone swimming lately? Did that seem like a good outlet for Tate's energy?

I realize that girls and boys are different, but in the past when Annika has been having more emotional breakdowns that usual (ha, ha....), I have learned that they are sometimes related to something going on that I'm not aware of (like a friend being unkind at preschool or at a playdate). It takes a lot of questions to get their little minds to pinpoint where their hurt or emotions are coming from, but it wouldn't hurt to spend some time praying that God would give you insight into anything that might be burdening or hurting Tate and then persistently ask non-leading questions(i.e. don't ask things like, "Is someone being mean to you?").; December 11, 2009 8:53 PM
Alicia O. & the gang said...: Oh the joys of winter!
Miss, I am sure you are doing amazingly well with it. He is experiencing probably equal amounts of frustration...in 6 months a lot has changed for him. He is in school, he has a new baby, he is now 5 and now has winter. Listen to his signs...(which I know you do) and when he needs to release...let him get bundled up and take his dear self right outside! Watch him close (from the door of course with your teeeny weeny baby in arms) and let him run. Encourage Ella to join and help him burn off some steam. Orrr....send him to the neighbors who has 4 children who have been known to go outside upwards of 4 times a day EVEN in below zero weather!
Help him to settle down...turn off entertainment (I am not assuming how much or little you use...just trying to offer suggestion). Turn off things that imagine for him. Allow and encourage things that HELP him imagine and use his brain energy that way...radio, story books, coloring, drawing, crafting or just talking (which he knows NOOOOTHING about..yeah right =)).
Keep praying for him..You are such a great praying mother!
And...the hardest tactic of ALL! Because it requires little of them and ALL of us?!!! Keep calm. Don't yell (soooooo much easier said than done, especially when sometimes just to speak over the volume of multitudes of children it's yelling)!
Miss...you are a great mother and will pass this valley with flying colors and Tate will be none the wise that you had a hard time in this season! Thank goodness huh?!; December 11, 2009 10:30 PM
Alicia O. & the gang said...: Oh...and THE SHRED! We have video of all 4 of our children doing it with me (the video is ONLY of them) and Lilly, I kid you not, can recite most of level 1! They now ask me to turn it on even when I am NOT doing it! Maybe we could get all 8 Bigs together to do it...thaat would be a disaster!; December 11, 2009 10:33 PM
Eve and Milo's Mom said...: My daughter is doing the exact same stuff and I don't have the cold weather to blame it on since she can still go outside we just have been really busy. One thing that helps her is if I give her a vitamin everyday. We call them her happy pills. When I get the chance to work out I always have her do it with me. When she is being extra annoting or whining I try to create lists of things I want her to complete and tell her there is a reward at the end. As she completes my list of activities I always say...and one more thing could you... and I continue this until she seems bored with it and give her the small reward. It is enough to get her crazy wound up brain to focus and she usually calms down.; December 12, 2009 1:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Miss- thanks for the post! You're allowing all of us who have trouble with energized kids that can't go outside due to weather get ideas. The Shred is a great idea and I need to be encouraged, Wonder if MY 5 yr old would do it with me =) Praying for you, girl!
-Amy; December 12, 2009 8:30 AM
Miss said...: I am loving all of these suggestions. I appreciate SO much you guys taking the time to advise and pray for me!

One of the best things is that I am feeling confirmation in the fact that the majority of his "issues" are from the pent up energy. This at least helps me know where to start. sometimes it takes me awhile to figure out from where all these individual things are stemming.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!; December 12, 2009 10:12 AM
raggedy ash said...: hey miss!

as a frequent craigslist and twincitiesfreemarket.org browser, i wondered if you've thought about picking up a free cast-off exercise bike for tate? it might be difficult to find one that would be safe for his size, etc, but there is literally ALWAYS at least one listed for free on those sites.

also, indoor bike trainers are a neat idea - you can strap your bike into a platform with rollers and you can ride "nowhere" for hours! they take up much less space than an exercise bike, but are usually more than $0.00 :)

http://www.pakayas.com/bell-motivator-mag-indoor-bicycle-trainer.html; December 14, 2009 2:21 PM
Queen Mommy said...: I don't really have any advice....but I can appreciate what you're going through, since we go through the same thing with my just-turned-8-year-old. Definitely having the opportunity to burn off some of that excess energy helps.; December 14, 2009 4:00 PM
susanc said...: Miss, as you know I have five boys... and I really enjoyed reading everyones advice. So thanks for doing this post.

My very initial thought was ... he's a BOY... and in my opinion all boy behaviours get "bigger" as they get bigger. There is supposed to be a massive testosterone surge at five, and again at round eight/nine and then puberty. I could be a little off with timings but you'll notice HUGE changes in all his "maleness" at these times.
Attitude, tolerance, seeking independence, not talking to you etc
It seems to me with the varied ages of males in my life that they ALL HATE being told what to do. They need to be asked and then left to it. They like being in charge of their world. This is tricky if you are busy and rushing and they are not co-operating... but husbands are the same {I find} as sons. They do stuff when they are ready, if you 'nag' that does not make them compliant.

My Lachlan {5} is asserting his independence a great deal {so is Hamish {3}... in response to Lachlan doing it too!} Matthew ... {13.5} is very much wanting freedom... in going out and thoughts as well. Freedom to behave, or not, freedom to choose and freedom to think for themselves. You need to guide. Calmly & quietly. *wink {so easily said}

My mantra right now, in THIS phase of my life is "Set them up for success".
You know how you learn early on NOT to ask a question that they can say "no" too??? well it's the same. Set whatever it is up so he cannot fail. Do those things listed above. Ensure your boundaries for appropriate/acceptable behaviour are achieveable. Maybe you need to 'relax' a little during your winters?? I don't know because I don't have to live like you do in winter.

I'm sure despite your frustrations with him you can hang onto the big picture of him growing up in a loving family. Being raised to be a good man. Don't worry too much. In the great scheme of life it's a tiny bump in the road :):)
love ya x; December 14, 2009 10:51 PM
barb Holmberg said...: I am getting a chance to catch up on your blog this morning. I had 8 posts to read that you had written but my google reader has 79 posts for me to catch up on all together!

SOS stands for Save Our Ship! I hope your ship is sailing a bit smoother this week!; December 15, 2009 8:31 AM